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Little Red Riding Hood, You Sure Are Lookin' Good
An outdoor nature adventure! Innocently, we frolic through the wooded forests, the valleys dotted with king-sized sheep, and the lowlands filled with thick fog which once brilliantly concealed our unfierce foe. He was none other than Mr. B Wolf. We search. We look. We seek, but we do not find the answers to our lingering, troubling questions, which include: Was Red really a silly dipstick? Or, what did Mr. B Wolf find so seductively sweet about this cape-clad, non-super hero character? And, why did Grandmother have such big ears, teeth and eyes? And finally, what was that woodcutter doing so close to Grandmother's house that day?
Let's take our troubling questions one at a time so we can unravel the truth, and nothing but the truth, as simply as possible. Question #1. Was Red really a silly dipstick? After performing a diligent study of Red's character and chemical makeup, I have determined that she was definitely psychotic. Yes, little Red was missing a few bolts, but had an overabundance of nuts. The truth was revealed via this theory: Many people talk to animals. However, when the animal begins to answer back, sicko. Question #2. What did Mr. B Wolf find so seductively sweet about this cap-clad, non-super hero character? Simple answer: Red's basket of goodies! Recent research puts three chocolate chip cookies, one pack of winners, and a loaf of onion bread in Red's basket. It's enough to drive a poor wolf insane. No wonder he was in bed performing tricks. Begging, slobbering, wagging his tail - all wasted efforts on a psycho dressed in red, flaunting a cape made by a Grandmother with big hands.
Big - that takes us to the next intriguing question. Why did Grandmother have such big ears, teeth and eyes? Easy answer. To match her big hands, of course. And our final burning question is, what was that woodcutter doing so close to Grandmother's house that day? Obviously he wasn't lurking in the woods waiting on a special-made red cape. He was a greedy woodcutter! He wanted all the cookies - Red's, Grandma's and the ones that Mr. B Wolf managed to waddle down just before the mean and evil woodcutter whacked him in two. So you now you know the truth, the full-length version that obviously clears Mr. B Wolf. Tune in next time when we discuss what was really in those three bear's bowls. |
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