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Winter Fitness Can Kill a Fellow - 10 Tips That Show You How to Safely Wake Up From That Long Winter's Nap

Smart Fitness is Very Sexy!

Have you taken note of the Internet headings these days?  Stuff like...."Grab those Long John's and winterize your workout in the Great Frozen Outdoors!"  "Ignore that blizzard and that get that booty shaking!" and "Don't freeze up on exercise this winter!"

Please. Where is my funnel so someone can refill my antifreeze?  Do these people not realize that since summer fizzled, most 'normal' people have went into hibernation?

And the trusting souls that we are, most will read these motivational headlines and hit the Great Frozen Tundra in massive droves, scampering through forests of ice, over ponds that hold only frosted mirrors, and brave frostbitten winds where only polar bears would brazenly dare go.  

The end result is painfully sad, for we all know what happens to an unfit, dormant individual in this type scenario.  Soon after the volatile exercise commences, a body part falls out.  Yes, the tongue.  And what happens to the tongue when it unfortunately meets an object as cold as an Ice Maiden?

To demonstrate our moot point, meet Derek, our Soldier of Misfortune - brave un-icelantic wanderer, ice cap trekker, and drugstore photo-processor by night. Derek had been as dormant as the great grandfather oaks thatched within the forest until 'that day' when he ventured out.  His motivation?  It had been the Internet heading of, "Don't be a winter winnie!  Face the challenge of winter via cross-country skiing!  Our fitness expert, JAMES, managed to rack up 10 miles today and a lifetime of memories!"

So through the blinding snow, over the ice capped mountains, and into to the brilliant pristine glare of the new sun spanning the horizon, trekked inactive Derek.  He had dressed fashionably for the occasion, foregoing his trusty toboggan, layered clothing, and sunshades with the UV filters, opting instead for a spiffy orange jacket and a pair of plastic goggles that held a famous namebrand, but were largely produced overseas in rundown sweat shacks.  Sweat.  It was something that our Derek suddenly craved, for he was now violently shivering like a beached mackerel.

Our 46 year old bulwark had began feeling ill a mere five meters into his journey. (Small mountain.)  He lay groveling on the frozen tundra, gazing into the blurred distance, his abode so far away.  He suddenly realized amid his delirium that he had totally forgotten to bring along his canteen filled with expensive, but highly purified spring water.  Would he die of thirst?  But that wasn't the immediate question hammering on Derek's fuzzy brain.  Could he make it safely back home?  It was a tab over fifteen gut-wrenching feet that this expended nomad must travel.  Gasp!  Wonderment!

Derek suddenly caught something downwind.  Or was it upwind?  He was delirious now, spended, total exhausted.  If he were a car, he would not receive an inspection sticker.  Even in Lukenbock, Texas.  It was that bad.

Derek sniffed, straining to flare his nostrils, nostrils filled with frozen nose hairs that were stiffer than a rhino's horn.  "Sniff, sniff."

Everything clarified, the wafting wonderful scent of his wife's Puss in the Boot's pie meeting his frostbitten nostrils.  Chloe's pie was the cat's meow - tasty passion fruit mixed with peaches, plums and a savory cinnamon concoction.  Derek could visualize the creamy whipped topping on her pie, and that alone would have been enough to scrape his hide off that frozen dead tundra, but alas, it could not.  For when Derek envisioned his wife's tasty Puss in the Boot's pie, he opened his mouth which was a grave mistake, for something fell out.  Yes, his drooling, weak, water-deprived tongue.

It took the firemen three and a half hours to rectify Derek, but rectify they did.  But our story does not have a happy ending. You see, his children (Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail) enjoyed Puss in the Boot's pie for dinner.  But Derek was stuck with sipping bullion from a straight straw, for even a curly straw would have been too much for the poor man to handle.

Take this tissue and we'll continue our tale....  

If you're a Diet Bites reader, you know that we are big on fitness!  Oh yeah!  And you also know that we are smart on fitness! Double yeah!  So simply put, one must use their own noggin and analyze their personal fitness situation.  There will days when the weather will not allow outdoor activity.  Like...who is stronger - lightening or humans?  Tornados or humans?  Blizzards or humans?  

Therefore, the following makes a good pattern for anyone considering wintry outdoor activity.

10 THINGS TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A WINTER OUTDOOR ADVENTURE:

1. If you spit into the wind and it blows back into your face, stay indoors for the day or face the world tomorrow looking like a rabid Alfalfa.  Instead, enjoy The Great Indoors!  Take a short journey to your local skating rink - or ice rink, where the temperature is at least controlled and there are people to pick you up when you fall and that tongue gets stuck.

2. Weather permitting, realize your own limitations and then, recognize those limitations.  If you've been inactive these last few weeks or months, you'll need to take it slow in the beginning.  Traction isn't pretty.

Make your first outing short and limited.  Slowly build from there.  To accelerate your capabilities, try a couple of short outings in one day with the time spaced between the activities (if possible).  For example, go bowling early in the day, then take a half-mile walk or hike that evening.  It's really stupid to have an outrageous beginning goal of say....walking 5 miles three times per week.  Can you walk 15 miles per week?  Sure you can!  But to do such, you must slowly build.  By the way, if you're planning on seriously doing this, we highly advise a protective bug grate for the mouth as well as splatter-resistant sunshades for the eyes.

Some really enjoyable outdoor activities that aren't too taxing include: flying a kite, a walk around your local park or beach, fossil hunting, fly fishing, canoeing in a mild body of water, raking leaves, miniature golf, and a visit to the zoo.

3. Again - with weather permitting, before you strike out it is wise to take along the following before attempting outdoor activity: lip balm, gloves, sunshades with UV protection, head covering dependant upon the activity you are ensuing, water-proofed footwear, a canteen of water, a nutritious snack, and sunscreen.  And if you're going out into the Wild Blue Yonder, you'll need to add a compass, a good topo map, a flashlight, a small first aid kit, a buddy, coins for vending machines and pay phones, and a personal cell phone (keep in mind that your signal may not be active in low areas or when you're out of tower range).

Of course, there are several more items that might be applicable to the situation, such as an umbrella if the skies look hazy - so this is a working list.

4. If you come across wildlife, keep your distance!  Keep in mind that wild animals don't diet and you're going to look pretty appealing to a hungry bear or tarantula.

5. Steer clear of half-frozen ponds.

6. If your fitness adventure entails a walk through the woods, keep in mind that winter is a naked man.  Small limbs make excellent face whackers, so carefully tread those well-beaten trails.

7. Don't be a cliffhanger.  Keep away from those pointy cliffs and edges, especially those concealed in snow and ice.  It's definitely one time in life where you don't want to 'slip up' or....off.

8. During your activity, ask yourself how you are feeling.  (It's totally okay to talk to yourself in this type scenario.)  If you are dizzy, cold, trembling, nauseated, or blue - get indoors immediately!

9. Make sure that your equipment is in good working order.  There's nothing more embarrassing than having an inferior piece of equipment spiral into your cranky mother-in-law's face.

10. Prepare yourself to experience fun!  Bird migration, haunting winter scenes, mountains capped in snow are just the tip of the iceberg of adventure that you can enjoy while getting fit in the Outdoor World of Mother Nature.

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